


This isn't me

by Stayoutofmycas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Comfort, Fluff, Human Castiel, M/M, Not Beta Read, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 04:36:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12124644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stayoutofmycas/pseuds/Stayoutofmycas
Summary: Now that Castiel is human he feels uncomfortable in Jimmy's body. Dean easily pushes away any doubts about whose body it is.It doesn't exactly fit in to the canon timeline of Castiel losing his grace, but it can be set at any point you like.Written as a request on tumblr, Dean comforting Castiel over body image issues.





	This isn't me

**Author's Note:**

> The original request was for Dean to comfort Castiel over body image issues, but my brain automatically supplied itself with this. It somehow become a love note to Jimmy.
> 
> I hope it doesn't disappoint. It was read over for typos, but I don't have a beta at the moment and I easily overlook glaring errors. My bad. It's been a while since I've posted my writing. Like Live journal long time. This is my first ao3 post so I'm learning tags and such. Please ignore my ignorance. 
> 
> Also, sorry if there is a ton of change in tense. I don't know why I'm so bad about that, or why I can't catch it when I proofread.
> 
> I hope this is readable for my first dive back in.
> 
> I was aiming for a 100 word drabble, but overshot it. I decided to make it my first post on here.

Most of the time Dean Winchester is a very observant man. He may not be as book smart as his younger brother, but very little gets by him. It's a skill that is picked up very early in the life of a hunter. If you want to survive you have to be completely aware of your surroundings, and anticipate anything that may come at you at any moment. When you are on a hunt, whether it's a nest of vamps or a simple salt and burn, if you let your guard down you are as good as dead.  
  
As alert as Dean tries to stay at all times, he managed to barely register Castiel walking out of the bathroom of their hotel suite. It probably has a lot to do with how comfortable he had gotten with the other man, and how easily he would, and has, put his life in the angel's hands. Ex-angel as of late actually. He knew that Castiel was just a few feet away from him. He was so distracted with cleaning his gun that it wasn't until he was done and had it put back together that he notices the other man just standing in front of the mirror, towel dropped to the floor, completely naked.   
  
Castiel is focused so intently on the reflection of his own body (Jimmy's body?) that he doesn't notice Dean walking up behind him. He jumped slightly when arms circled his waist, but just continued to run his eyes over the mirror image of himself. Dean pressed his nose into Castiel’s neck, inhaling the scent of his own shampoo from his lovers hair, pressing a firm kiss to a quick thumping pulse point. Something he never would have felt when Castiel was pumped full of grace.   
  
“What are you doing?” Dean's words are heard even though they were muffled against shower slick skin. Castiel, much to Dean's disappointment, had mastered showering alone. He prefered to air dry though, claiming that towel drying was tedious and often left his skin feeling scratched up and raw.   
  
“I am examining my ves-” Castiel started to explain, pausing for a long moment at his slip up. The immense love the former seraph had for humanity had always been quite clear. The disdain he harboured for his now graceless form could be overwhelming at times, despite the adoration he once held for Jimmy Novak. His eyes seemed completely dry, but his lower lip visibly trembled as he continued. “Body. My body, I'm examining my body.”   
  
“Well, as an expert on the topic, I could give you a complete rundown on it.” Dean's voice came out as a deep rumble, smirking and spreading his fingers out across Cas’ ribs. “Maybe a hands on explanation of what I'm touching, as I'm touching?”   
  
"I'm being serious Dean. I- I'm...uncomfortable" Castiel squinted with a sigh, his hand gesturing up and down his torso. "with my body. This isn't really me, I shouldn't look like this."   
  
"Are you kidding me?" Dean's tone changed drastically as he gripped Castiel's shoulders, turning the other man around to face him. "You do realize you won the vessel lottery, right? Seriously, can you imagine being stuck in Gabriel's tiny borrowed body?"   
  
"Gabriel has inhabited his vessel for a very long time, Dean, people were much more petite back then." Castiel deadpanned.   
  
"Long time renter then? He's really into the vintage look, I guess." Dean smirked, not being able to hold back on the jokes. Part of him hoping Cas at least gets the joke, enough to pull a smile out of him despite his mood.   
  
"That's just it, this isn't temporary. This is not armor I'm wearing into battle. This is me now, but it feels so wrong." Castiel took a deep breath, fighting back tears of anger Dean never thought he'd see. He bites his lip, turning to stare at the wall to avoid eye contact with Dean before he continues. " I was content with Jimmy. He was a strong vessel, and my connection with him was unbelievably strong. I couldn't have asked for more from him, he gave me everything. He gave up his family so I could pull you out of the pit. He knew from the moment I laid eye's on you, when he felt it through the bond we shared, that I would fall for you. Despite his own beliefs, he sat back and allowed our relationship to develop... physically."   
  
"Cas-" Dean whispered, getting choked up himself at Castiel's words.

  
"Just let me finish, Dean." Castiel cut Dean off, finally turning his head back towards Dean. "Jimmy made for an astonishing vessel, and his ability and willingness to contain me are the only reason I was able to raise you from perdition. He was the only reason we are here, together, now. The admiration I still hold for him is greater then you could imagine, but without him, it doesn't feel right to be in his body. I'm thankful for the mortality that comes with being human, because I don't know how long I could live looking like this. I'm not me anymore, Dean. How can you even truly enjoy being with me? When you are looking at me all you are seeing is Jimmy."   
  
Dean can't help but watch all the different expressions pass over Cas' face. He gives the worked up man a moment to calm down, then grips his chin.   
  
"I have never looked at you and seen anyone or anything but you. I have never been near you and even thought about Jimmy. Even when you were cast out and I was stuck babysitting Jimmy. I could barely comprehend how I was looking at you, but you were gone. I've never looked at you and seen a vessel. I've always seen you. This you, looking just like this, is the only you I have ever known." Dean's eyes had swelled with tears, a couple escaping, but he managed to get through his speech without a hiccup or stumbling over words. He even impressed himself by keeping in the sobs that seeing Cas in so much pain had almost forced out of him.   
  
There is an obvious shift in Castiel's mood when Dean's words sink in. Dean barely has time to catch the look in the other man's eyes before salty lips are pressing hard against his. It's a relatively chaste kiss, but still intense. They are both breathing a bit harder when they pull apart, Castiel seeming more composed than most people would be after such a breakdown. He pulls Dean forward, pressing their foreheads together, staring into Dean's eyes when he speaks up again.

  
"All I need is for you to see me, always and only see me." 

**Author's Note:**

> This could get a smut filled sequel, if anyone reads this part. I'll need to find a beta before hand. My sister enjoys Destiel, but she gets weird about proofreading sex scenes that I've written.


End file.
